Vegan

Man Vs. Oven.

I’m in the mood for Dancing…

So…we are off to a swing dance class tonight, only a beginners one (everyone has to start somewhere!) – and seeing as I move like a paralysed wardrobe on dodgy casters, it’s probably for the best!…

So as we won’t be in to cook & I’ve got a stupidly early start tomorrow morning (a 9am in Hammersmith isn’t the most positive start to the day) I thought it whip up a vegan pizza using the left over BBQ sauce, the vegan cheese (but not the blue cheese of death) and a few things grabbed from Tesco this morning…asparagus, mushroom, sweetcorn…

There’s always that defining moment in the kitchen with an oven you don’t trust…and Carly’s oven is the least trustworthy of them all…on the Oven scale of misdemeanours & untrustworthiness it’s a veritable serial killer and Weinstein rolled into one. It’s the embodiment of the Fox in the fox and the gingerbread man story…”oh of course Simon, just pop that pizza in here and I’ll make sure that I don’t incinerate it or just breath tepid air lightly on it like an asthmatic sparrow…and yes it will be cooked to perfection in exactly the time you think”…time passes leading to either cinders or it being more raw than when it went in, somehow reduced to its component atoms, floating round in the void…irrespective of cranking it up to 250 and leaving everything in there for 3 days…

Today was no exception, apart from me forgetting to turn it on in the first place which try as I might, I can’t really blame it for that…the pizza went in on a pre heated tray and after 15 mins was cooked to perfection…on the top…yes, I know I should have used a pizza stone, but that’s at mine – I am not!

But on getting out to cool, I couldn’t help but notice that it was suffering from “Soggy Bottom Syndrome”…which is a bit of a drag as any longer in the oven of roulette would see the evil side come out and ensure that the bottom was cooked to perfection, but the top would look like yesterday’s BBQ on the beach…

Necessity is the mother of invention it would appear…so to avoid a swing dance class weighed down with doughy stodge, I constructed an ingenious oven thwarting device by putting the baking tray it had been on, upside down over the two lowest gas rings…turning them on and “hey presto” – a hot plate & way of cooking the base independent to the topping…take that Mr Sneaky Fickle Oven…

Alas the hob and the oven are clearly in cahoots…and whilst I achieved a perfectly cooked base – we had another casualty in the kitchen…seems that whilst lifting the tray to redistribute the heat, the underneath is somewhat furnace like and poor old Shetland Isle tea towel was flamed by the easily influenced hob – just a stooge!, a canary!, a patsy!…

This time only a battle scar, so no need to update the marble plaque on the wall detailing the utensils and kitchen aids that have given themselves so selflessly in the pursuit of Veganuary (ah Spoony, how you would have laughed)…

But this battle is won…I am Victorious…though I know that oven lays in wait. Waiting for it’s next prey to hove into view like an indifferent puma (a Pu-‘meh’)…”Should I rip its face off? Or just bat it about like a mouse?”…thank goodness there’s no vegan soufflés on the horizon…

For Sale: One Oven – absolutely rubbish, would suit a crematorium or cold store – would also make an excellent plant pot…buyer collects…

4 thoughts on “Man Vs. Oven.”

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